


Twist in My Reality

by a_lanart



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-21
Updated: 2009-11-21
Packaged: 2017-10-03 12:44:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_lanart/pseuds/a_lanart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto Jones should know better than to touch strange alien devices unprepared. Luckily, Jack Harkness always knows where his towel is, even when they end up somewhere interestingly improbable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twist in My Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Anyone/Anything you recognise is not mine, they belong to Aunty Beeb and Douglas Adams.  
> No copyright infringement intended, no profit made.  
> Title inspired by 'Twist in My Sobriety' by Tanita Tikaram.
> 
> All H2G2 universes are canon in my head, so you will find bits of book canon alongside tv canon and movie canon. I hope the conglomeration isn't too improbable to follow.

~*~

Twist in My Reality

*

The last thing Ianto remembered clearly was Jack's voice yelling,

"No! Don't touch that!" Then the world had disappeared in a flash of darkness and an implosion of light. Ianto presumed he was awake as he could think, but he couldn't feel his body and he couldn't open his eyes. Strangely, someone seemed to be playing the guitar solo from 'Sultans of Swing' in his head which made no sense to him as he didn't like Dire Straits. After a few more moments he realised that the music was actually not in his head, but echoing strangely outside it. He pried open his eyes. Nothing. He blinked a couple of times and turned his head in the direction of the music. There was a slight lightening of the darkness surrounding him and he was able to make out that he was in a graveyard. He was puzzled rather than frightened as he felt pretty much alive; odd, but definitely living. Having established where he appeared to be, he wanted to find out where the music was coming from, and if Jack was here with him. He cleared his throat experimentally.

"Jack?" His voice cracked, but he felt he'd been audible enough. The music stopped amidst a jangle of fumbled chords and fingerings.

"Ianto?" Jack's voice sounded a bit strange, but was clear and strong. Ianto breathed a sigh of relief. He looked upwards in the direction he'd heard Jack's voice. Blinked. Blinked again.

"What are we doing in a graveyard? And why is there a bat with a guitar hanging from that tree?"

"I'm a bat? That explains why I'm upside down."

"That's you? Bloody hell. Where are we? And Why can't I feel my hands and feet?"

"I'm not 100% certain, but I have a few ideas about what happened and where we've ended up. As for your hands and feet... ummm..."

"What?"

"You don't appear to have any right now. You're a snake."

"I'm a snake?"

"A rather cute one..."

"What..." Ianto's words were swallowed in a twisting of reality that caused the graveyard to shatter into a million pieces and fly off out of the oriel window that had just appeared in mid-air. Ianto gradually became aware that he was now lying on some sort of fur rug in front of a roaring fire, and that there was another voice speaking.

"Two to the power of fifteen thousand to one and falling. We will soon achieve normality..." The rest of the sentence was lost as Jack started to make choking sounds. Ianto was worried for the 5 seconds it took him to establish that Jack wasn't actually dying, unless you could die from laughter.

"Jack? What's going on?" Ianto hitched himself up onto an elbow that seemed to be in the right place; he was obviously no longer a snake. Jack seemed to be more himself too, apart from the fact that he was still laughing and happened to be wearing a pink tutu, thigh high pvc ballet boots with 6 inch heels and a Hawaiian shirt. Ianto shut one eye in effort not to be blinded and decided not to look at what he appeared to be wearing, just in case.

"Infinite Improbability Drive." Jack waved a hand at their attire, and their surroundings. "Has some interesting effects on the perception of reality in non-shielded personnel. Which is what *we* are. Enjoy the ride..." Reality twisted around them again, and then covered them in candy-floss. Ianto could no longer see Jack through the mounds of pink spun sugar, but he certainly heard him, he couldn't avoid hearing him. Jack did not believe in airing his displeasure in a quiet manner.

"I hate this stuff. Why can't it rain donuts?"

Reality shifted around them more frequently as the disembodied voice continued to announce falling probabilities. Ianto was pleased that they seemed to have settled into their own clothes, even though a set of carousel horses danced around them to the sound of Pink Floyd, before being chased off by a box on legs. Slowly, their surroundings resolved into plain white walls and a rather uncomfortable floor, though the purple flying pigs reminded Ianto that they hadn't quite achieved 'normality'. Jack dug around in the inside pocket of his coat and produced a towel, which he hung round his neck. Ianto stared at it, knowing there must be some trick as a towel that size wouldn't fit into a normal pocket. Jack grinned at him.

"Bigger on the inside," he said.

"Fine." Ianto let that one go over his head; it hurt too much to think about it. He latched onto the most normal part of the situation. "But... a towel?"

"You don't carry a towel around with you?"

"With these pockets?" Ianto fingered his suit jacket. "You must be kidding. And why would I need to?" Jack stared at him incredulously, but was interrupted from saying anything by a door opening in what had appeared to be a blank wall. A decent sized stripy hand towel was shoved through the gap and a voice announced,

"Welcome to the Heart of Gold."

The effect on Jack was immediate. He threw his head back and laughed in a way that Ianto had never seen before, a deep belly laugh that lightened his features and made him look closer to Ianto's age than however old he actually was. Ianto felt rather jealous but didn't have the time to ponder that feeling as Jack leapt for the door and grabbed the hand that was holding the stripy towel, pulling a slightly nondescript but still odd looking man through the door.

"Ford, you old reprobate! I'd recognise that towel anywhere!" He immediately drew the man into what looked like a bone-crushing hug, before slapping his back resoundingly. Ianto winced in sympathy for the unknown man; there was a lot of power in Jack's hands but despite his smaller, slighter frame the new arrival didn't seem to be discomfited in the slightest. Ianto continued to watch as the back slapping mutated into something rather complicated that surprisingly didn't involve kissing or the removal of clothes. Once Jack and his friend were standing still once more, just grinning at each other, Ianto cleared his throat; he was hoping for a more traditional introduction and was rewarded by two pairs of eyes turning in his direction.

"So, who's your friend, Jack?" The stranger asked, with a smile in Ianto's direction as he closed the distance between them in response to Jack's frantic beckoning.

"Ford, I'd like you to meet Ianto Jones. Ianto, this is Ford Prefect." Hands were shaken as Ford hurriedly threw his towel round his own neck. Towel-less, Ianto was beginning to feel underdressed, but it didn't stop him from noticing that Ford's skin was cool to the touch, and that his eyes were a shade of blue that had never been seen on earth, plus he didn't seem to blink as much as he should; it made Ianto's eyes ache vaguely to think about it and he looked away.

"Welcome to the Heart of Gold, Ianto; the most improbable ship in the universe." Jack smiled beatifically at the two of them and slung a companionable arm round each of their shoulders, steering them through the door as if he knew exactly where they were going. Ianto assumed he probably did, but he refused to think about it and let himself be propelled down the corridor as Jack and Ford chattered away.

"You know, Ford, I think we need some serious discussion about that line. I'm not completely convinced she *is* the most improbable ship in the universe."

"I'd like to hear about *any* ship that could give this one a run in the improbability stakes."

"You will, you will. Now let's see if I can remember where the bridge is. Did you manage to re-program the other doors?"

"Unfortunately not, but they've learned to be less... enthusiastic."

"That's an improvement. Marvin?"

"Same old, same old. He had a close encounter with a maintenance droid that perked him up a bit, until the droid left him for a robotic hover-cleaner with multiple attachments."

"Story of his life. At least it gives him something concrete to be depressed about."

"There is that, I suppose." Ianto zoned out and let the rest of the conversation continue to fly over his head without even trying to understand. In Cardiff, Jack's otherness never seemed to really matter; here, Ianto felt seriously out of place. He doubted that there would be much call for archiving or making coffee on a spaceship and he felt he was more likely to make a mess than be able to sort out other peoples. It was a revelation to him that the most comforting thing in this strange place was the weight of Jack's arm around his back and shoulders. Ianto had never thought of Jack's presence as particularly comforting before, but at least his was a familiar unfamiliarity, and not the mind-bogglingly disturbing unfamiliarity of his present surroundings. The hand clasped lightly on his right shoulder squeezed gently, and Ianto glanced upward to receive a quick flash of a smile and a wink from Jack before he returned to bantering unintelligibly with Ford Prefect. Ianto mused on the absurdity of that name for a while. It wasn't exactly very alien sounding, but maybe that had been the point though he couldn't keep visions of old cars sprouting wings and flying to the stars out of his mind. It seemed a long time before they paused in front of another, more obvious door. Jack smiled at him again.

"Are you ready for this, Ianto?"

"As I'll ever be, I suppose." He received what he presumed was supposed to be a reassuring pat on his shoulder before Jack removed his arm and strode forward. The door slid open to let him through, but not silently as he'd expected. "Ford, did that door just say 'thank you'?"

"Yes. Terrible, isn't it? Used to be worse though, they've calmed down a little bit under Marvin's influence..." Ford didn't linger to see what effect his words had on Ianto, but followed Jack through the door. Ianto shook his head half hoping that he would suddenly wake up back in the hub and find everything had been some weird alien artefact inspired dream. If he did, he resolved to be more pleasant to Owen; he might not get on with the Torchwood Doctor, but at least he was predictable and allegedly human. Unfortunately shaking his head did nothing to improve his situation, and made him feel slightly dizzy. As he stepped through the door to follow the other two he started as it whispered another thank you behind him.

The sight that met Ianto's eyes almost blew him away. The bridge of the starship was all curves and light and so, so *alien* it caught his breath. He couldn't help but gawp, only half listening to the conversation that was happening a short distance away.

"Hey, Zaphod, looking good as usual I see."

"Yo! Jack baby!" The new voice was overly cheerful and *big*. Ianto had the vague impression of blonde, long and artfully scruffy hair and flamboyant clothes, but he still wasn't paying much attention. Jack, though, appeared to be in his element by the sound of him.

"I love the new hair, Zaphod, but what happened to your head?"

"Oh, that. Long story. Let's just say it went undercover. And as for new hair, what happened to yours? I can't call you hedgehog boy with hair like *that*!"

"You'll have to think of another name then, won't you big guy?" Before the conversation could degenerate further, a new, female voice broke in.

"Don't you think you're all forgetting something?"

"We are?" asked Zaphod, sounding puzzled.

"We are?" asked Ford, sounding equally puzzled.

"We are." Said Jack. "Zaphod, Trillian, this is Ianto Jones." The sound of his name knocked Ianto out of his stupor and he smiled wanly at the gathered strangers. "Ianto, this is Zaphod Beeblebrox and Trillian."

"Great, another tame ape for me to play with." Zaphod managed to sound both bored and enthusiastic at the same time. Ianto was distinctly unhappy about being called a tame ape, it seemed the woman, Trillian, did not take kindly to it either.

"Excuse me! I am not tame, and I am definitely *not* your plaything, Mr ex-president Beeblebrox." Ianto realised her voice was familiar and sent his memory searching for the snippet of information that would tell him where from. It did not take long; ape he might be but he still had a trained memory. He stared at the dark haired woman who was standing, hands on hips, glaring at the blond alien.

"Tricia McMillan?" He stuttered. She turned to look at Ianto, as did everyone else.

"Now that is a name I've not used in a long time. Just what hole in the universe did you manage to dig it out of?"

"Torchwood," Ianto answered. "Torchwood One to be precise. You made a discovery back in the 1980s, I believe, of a spatial breach about 600 feet above London's docklands."

"I remember; that was just before I was told my services were no longer required by the agency who'd employed me. Before the party where I met..." Her eyes flicked to where Zaphod was indolently lolling in his seat. He grinned, realising that she was talking about him

"Hey, you mean I rescued you from certain death? From a dark and despicable future? And I didn't even know it at the time? Man, I'm good." Trillian smiled gently, and reached out to pat him on the shoulder.

"Yes, you are, Zaphod."

"So that's what happened!" For the first time since arriving on the Heart of Gold, Ianto no longer felt overwhelmed; he was starting to see the connections, and that helped to make more sense out of a very nonsensical situation. He wandered over to where the others were all standing. "You made the discovery during the research you were doing, passed the information along to your sponsors as requested who then cancelled your post, but by the time they got round to following you up to wipe your memory, you had disappeared." Jack sidled up to Ianto, and asked,

"How come I didn't know about this?"

"You're not an archivist, sir. You can find lots of interesting things in archives if you just know where to look." Zaphod crowed with laughter at Ianto's smug expression and Jack's stunned one.

"I just bet you can. Monkey-boy has a brain, Ford. How about that?"

"I think that's great." Ford clapped Ianto heartily on the shoulder, almost as hard as Jack would. "But I think you'd best cut the animal references for your own safety..." He nodded to where Trillian had gone back to glaring at Zaphod, arms folded, foot tapping.

"Trillian honey, you know I don't mean you."

"Do I? Do I really?" She stomped off out of sight, and Jack watched her go with a half-smile.

"Still have a way with words, big guy, don't you? Come on Ianto, let me show you round the place a bit and let these two," he waved in the general direction of Ford and Zaphod, "reflect on the intricacies of diplomacy."

Ianto followed Jack in enough of a daze that he didn't hear the door as it closed behind them.

"So, Ianto, what would you like to see?" Jack asked gleefully, sounding more like a child with a new toy than anything else to Ianto's ears, which annoyed the hell out of him for some reason.

"How should I know? It's the first time I've been on a bloody spaceship, isn't it? This may be old hat to you, sir, but right now I'm having a few issues."

"Oh."

"It's all very well dealing with the things that fall through the rift, but at the end of the day we're still in Cardiff, not half way across the galaxy. I'm used to dealing with anything out of the ordinary on my own turf, with my feet planted firmly on the ground thank-you-very-much."

"Ianto, Ianto; where's your sense of adventure?"

"I think I left it in Cardiff."

"Oh, come on. There are precious few humans who've walked these corridors. Doesn't that give you a good feeling?"

"You want the truth?"

"Yup."

"It's amazing. But I still need some processing time."

"Then you'll have it. I know just the place." Jack did a quick about-turn and strode off in the opposite direction, leaving Ianto trailing in his wake. He wasn't paying too much attention to where he was going and almost crashed into Jack's back where he had stopped in the middle of the corridor.

"What?..."

"Shhh. Listen." Ianto listened, but all he could hear was a faint mechanical whirring and clunking.

"What the hell is that?"

"I know what I *think* it is, but I just need a little longer to confirm it..." Ianto almost held his breath as the mechanical noises became perceptibly louder. The muffled clunks gradually became punctuated with a lugubrious sounding voice.

"Here I am; Brain the size of a planet..." Ianto found he was being dragged unceremoniously back in the direction they'd come from, and then shoved without a word of explanation through another whispering door. He landed in a heap on the other side, and glared at Jack over his shoulder. Jack winked at him, back pressed against the door, fingers busy on what Ianto presumed was a lock. Ianto stopped glaring as it obviously was a waste of time, and looked around the room as he scrambled back to his feet. It wasn't particularly massive, but it contained rack upon rack of flamboyant and colourful clothes, with accessories to match. He glanced back at Jack, who appeared to have finished doing whatever it was with the keypad by the door, and was watching him appraisingly.

"Are you going to tell me what all that was about? And just what the hell is bad enough to warrant locking us in a...a... wardrobe?" Jack smirked at him.

"Don't you want to be in the closet with me, Ianto?"

"Not particularly, sir. Or not until you've explained yourself, anyway."

"That..." Jack pressed his ear up against the door and signalled for silence for a few seconds, "... was Marvin."

"Marvin?"

"Yeah."

"And just what is Marvin?"

"He's basically a walking, talking computer; a Robot with one hell of a personality problem. Miserable doesn't even come close to describing Marvin." Ianto snorted in disbelief.

"You're telling me you locked us in here to avoid meeting with a paranoid android?"

"Something like that. Believe me, you'd thank me if you knew about him. You think the doors are bad; Marvin is their polar opposite and a lot more vocal besides. You're better off not meeting him right now."

"I'll take your word for it." Ianto leaned against the wall and let himself slide down it until he was sitting on the floor, before resting his forehead on his knees. He could feel Jack's gaze boring into the top of his head, but he was feeling too overwhelmed to be that bothered about it. Maybe he wasn't coping as well as Jack would have liked, but he was coping. Being confronted by an impossible spaceship, a guy named after a car, the mystique of towels, an egotistical 3 armed alien who obviously knew Jack and a woman who had been an astrophysicist on retainer to Torchwood back in the 1980s made Ianto yearn for the sanity of believing 6 impossible things before breakfast that might not exist, rather than having them shoved in his face with no chance for debate about whether they were actually real or not. He sighed.

"Ianto?" Jack's voice sounded concerned so Ianto raised his head to meet Jack's eyes and gave him a watery smile.

"I could murder a cup of tea, you know."

"Tea? Ianto Jones the coffee king drinks tea?"

"I do when I'm feeling out of my depth. It helps calm me down."

"How terribly English. Er sorrry. British." Ianto ignored both the slip of the tongue and the apology, he didn't really care whether the institution of tea-drinking was classed as English or not. The Welsh upper classes had been just as involved in bringing tea to the UK as the English, and Scottish.

"So, where *do* I get a cup of tea in this place?"

"Hopefully, the place I was trying to get you to before we ended up in here. Are you willing to brave the corridors of insanity once more?" Jack sounded indecently cheerful again and his grin was back in place.

"I suppose." Ianto watched as Jack listened at the door again, before tapping out a complicated code on the keypad. He patted the frame of the door suggestively and whispered,

"Hey, door. We don't want anyone to know we've been here. If you can let us out without a whisper, the bedroom door can sing the hallelujah chorus to me when I next go in. Deal?" Ianto swore he almost heard a faint giggle in answer. The door opened silently. "Come on Ianto, let's get you your cup of tea."

Jack stopped at door that looked just the same as any of the others on the curving corridor, but by the smile on his face as he pressed an ear to it, it obviously hid something pleasant to him at least. Ianto shuddered slightly, he really didn't feel up to having a door singing the hallelujah chorus at him but at this point of time, being in a bedroom with Jack was way better than many of the alternatives that he could think of. He was surprised when the door opened onto nothing more sinister than another short corridor, and silently at that. Jack gestured at him to follow quickly, and the door slid closed, still blessedly silent, behind him.

"What?..." Ianto got no further before Jack furiously shushed him as he listened at another door.

"Doesn't sound like anyone's at home; the others didn't say. Let's see if this place is still the same..." He took a step back with a grin at Ianto and cleared his throat, before announcing in as unaccented a voice as he could manage "Nothing beats a good cup of tea." The door swished open and stayed there. Jack peered around it, and a grin spread across his face. "Doesn't look like it's changed any." Jack held out a hand that Ianto took just because it seemed like the most sensible thing to do in this day of unreality and he found himself gently pulled into the room in front of them, which certainly wasn't what he was expecting. He took a step further into the room and stared around him as the door silently closed. He eyed it with suspicion, still half expecting it to break into song, and glared at Jack when he heard what suspiciously sounded like a muffled giggle.

"If you don't mind me asking, why the hell is there a place like this," he gestured around the room that bore a distinct resemblance to his Taid's old front parlour back in Wales, "on a spaceship? Not that I'm complaining of course."

"Of course. As for why, you aren't the only human who has found the Heart of Gold a little overwhelming and needed a cup of tea. Not Trillian, though; she's a coffee drinker."

"Then who?"

"Guy called Arthur Dent. These rooms are his, only he doesn't appear to be home right now. The only person who will come in here apart from us is Trillian; the guys can't say the password without laughing, so they've never seen beyond the outer door. She helped Arthur make the place so she's always been allowed in if she wants to." Jack took off his coat and hung it on the hat stand that conveniently stood by the door, before plunking himself down on the overstuffed sofa. "So, do I get a cup of tea then Ianto?"

"I didn't know you drank tea, sir."

"There're a lot of things you don't know about me." Ianto rolled his eyes. Talk about stating the obvious. He decided to ignore Jack and pottered around in search of the tea-things, smiling as he discovered each item required to make a *proper* pot of tea. It wasn't long before a tray with pot, tea-strainer, milk, sugar lumps (and the tongs to pick them up with), 2 china cups and saucers and a plate of biscuits appeared before Jack on the table between the sofa and the 'fire'. Ianto sat himself down and stirred the leaves in the pot once more before placing a tea-cosy over it. He met Jack's puzzled glance, and smiled as he began to fix 2 cups of tea the traditional way; milk, then tea via the strainer, then sugar all stirred carefully with a teaspoon that ended up back on the saucer and under no circumstances was left in the tea. He passed Jack a cup.

"I know it's not exactly the Japanese Tea Ceremony, but there is a ritual to this. It's kind of comforting to do it properly." Ianto said as he picked up his own cup of tea.

"That's what I keep telling them and they still don't believe me." Ianto nearly dropped his hard-won cup of tea in surprise at hearing the unknown voice, whereas Jack almost spilt his by setting it down on the table just a little too hard. "Now that's not the proper respect a good cup of tea deserves, Jack, is it?"

"Maybe not... but..." Jack leapt off the sofa and enveloped the man in a hug, but without the back slapping he'd given Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox. Ianto placed the man somewhere in his 40s or 50s, which would make him a contemporary of Tricia MacMillan. Unlike Trillian, he didn't bear his years quite so easily, though Ianto suspected Trillian may have had some help with that. He was dressed in an understated pair of dark trousers, a simple white shirt and rather incongruously, a short but heavy silk dressing gown and a satchel from which Ianto could just see the corner of a towel protruding. He was really going to have to find out more about the significance of towels. Jack held the man by the shoulders and gave him a thorough inspection. "Arthur, you look well; I love the new look, very Noël Coward."

"Flatterer; I look old. And you, you lucky sod, haven't changed one bit. Now introduce me to your friend, who at least looks like he knows his way around a decent pot of tea." Ianto fidgeted slightly as he put his tea down, feeling rather uncomfortable being the focus of attention when he had raided what was obviously this man's personal place; never mind that it was at Jack's instigation. He shuffled round to Jack's side.

"Ianto Jones, meet Arthur Dent. The man who has single handedly brought the joys of the British cup of tea to three galaxies."

"Four, actually."

"Whatever."

"Philistine." Arthur smiled fondly as he said that and offered his hand in greeting. Ianto took the outstretched hand and shook it. Arthur's grip was firm, but not overly so; a very English handshake indeed. "Welcome to the only refuge from insanity on the Heart of Gold, Ianto. Now is there enough tea in that pot for another cup?"

"I would have thought so. Let me go find one." Ianto escaped into the familiar routine of being the 'teaboy' with more relish than he would have thought. He resolved to maybe let Owen off with calling him that in the future; here, being a teaboy was letting him cling to the shreds of his own reality rather than being a phrase used to annoy him. Once he was ensconced back on the sofa with Jack, Arthur pulled up an equally overstuffed armchair and helped himself to a biscuit.

"So just how did you end up on the Heart of Gold? We weren't expecting anyone." He asked. Ianto looked carefully at Jack, it was his place to explain and besides, how the hell was he supposed to explain something he didn't understand. Jack winked at him before replying

"We happened to find a bit of sub-etha tech that I wasn't completely familiar with. It's similar enough to the sens-o-matic that I had a good idea we were going to end up somewhere else, but I didn't have any idea where. Or how. It was triggered by mistake."

"Ah." Arthur picked up his satchel and rummaged around inside it for a moment, without removing the towel. He eventually produced a compact device the twin of the one in the Hub that had hurled Jack and Ianto onto the Heart of Gold and held it out. "Wouldn't look like this by any chance, would it?" He asked. Jack took it carefully and gave it a good look.

"It seems identical. What exactly is it?"

"Improbability beacon; Trillian invented it, and we...ah... persuaded sub-etha to make us a certain number. It means the Heart of Gold can always find whoever activates it, no matter how improbable it is. One of them got lost in a little... ummm... altercation a while back and we never did find it again."

"Looks like we did instead," Jack said with a grin. "I kind of like the idea of having you lot at my beck and call."

"You would. I don't suppose we could have it back? It really shouldn't be out there."

"Much as I'd rather keep hold of it, I think I will. But you've got to get us back there first, preferably before anyone else in my team decides to investigate it. I don't think it would be a good idea if Zaphod met Owen, do you Ianto?"

"Good God, no." The thought of Owen meeting Zaphod filled Ianto with horror. "Though it's a pity that Tosh will miss all this."

"Just don't mention it to them when we get back."

"I'm not sure she'd believe me anyway." Ianto said helplessly.

"Point." Jack shared a quick smile with Ianto before turning his attention to Arthur. "Arthur, does the fact that we've got one of these beacons mean that you'll be able to drop us off from where we were picked up?"

"Shouldn't be a problem at all. One of us would have to come with you to bring back the other device though and I think I might be the most appropriate person for the job."

"You're probably right there," Ianto commented.

"We won't be able to head back that way for a while though, maybe an hour or so. You can go and amuse yourself, Jack, and leave me and Ianto to talk about good old boring earth. I'm sure Zaphod and Ford will be pleased to have your company without the 'tame ape' getting in the way. Go on, now. Shoo." Arthur waved Jack out of the door, and Jack complied, much to Ianto's amusement. "Now where were we, Ianto?"

"One lump or two, I think, sir."

Ianto glanced at the door, half expecting Jack to reappear. When he didn't he relaxed back into the cushions of the sofa with a private smile. Arthur indicated the door with his head.

"He won't come back until it's time to go. Jack learned to let me have my little bits of earth here in peace without much protest, unlike Ford and Zaphod. Now..." Arthur glanced around, eyes narrowed, for a moment. Ianto wondered just what the hell he was looking for, even as he gratefully sipped his tea. "You know what we really need?" Ianto shook his head, he still had a mouthful of tea and there was no way he wanted to choke.

"Scones. Scones and Jam and Cream. A proper Afternoon Tea. Custard creams are all very well, but you can't compete with scones. You do like scones, don't you, Ianto?"

"Oh yes, especially if they're still warm."

"What kind of jam?"

"Strawberry or blackcurrant."

"Won't be long..." Arthur disappeared out of the door while Ianto stared after him. He was starting to find even the earthy normality of Arthur a bit bizarre, which was possibly because a conversation about afternoon tea was not what you expected to have on a spaceship. Ianto chuckled softly to himself; nothing that had happened today was what he would have expected from a spaceship, he supposed he'd watched too much Star Trek when he was younger. His thoughts were disturbed by Arthur returning, another tray in hand. The tray was placed on the table next to the teapot and revealed a plate of scones, with doily, and small pots of butter, jam and cream. Arthur sat back down and helped himself to a small plate, a scone and all the trimmings. He took one bite and smiled. "Perfect." He indicated that Ianto should join him. With a thought of 'here goes nothing' Ianto acquiesced. "So?" asked Arthur, halfway through Ianto's first scone.

"Mmm." Ianto replied. The scones were the best he'd had in some time, and there was no way he was going to be distracted from paying full attention to them. They participated in the ritual of Afternoon Tea in companionable silence until the scones had vanished and the tea had stewed in the pot. Ianto felt much more relaxed, which he presumed was Jack's idea behind bringing him here. The thought of Jack jolted him back to reality and he checked his watch.

"They won't forget, but they're probably busy right now. Trillian will be holding the fort, she usually does. We'll soon have you back where you belong, don't worry."

"You know, I should be feeling more enthusiastic about all of this." Ianto indicated the rest of the Heart of Gold with a broad gesture, "I work with alien artefacts as part of my job, being on one should be like a dream come true."

"Instead of it being disturbing?"

"Something like that."

"It's probably due to the fact you weren't expecting it. I didn't even know Aliens existed when I first ended up here. It was an...education." Arthur's smile looked a little twisted to Ianto, as if those memories weren't exactly welcome.

"I'll just bet it was. How did you end up here anyway?"

"Ford. That's not his real name, it's the one he used on earth to help him fit in; he didn't quite manage to pull it off. He got used to it over the years though, so he kept using it. He's a hitchhiker, and dragged me with him one time. We ended up on a ship full of your typical slimy green aliens, who spaced us after torturing us with their poetry. Heart of Gold picked us up; possibly the most improbable thing that could have happened."

"You should write a book." Ianto regarded Arthur thoughtfully. Arthur shook his head.

"Someone did, in another universe. I wouldn't dare to try, it'd probably end up like whiny teenage poetry. I've already written that once, and it wasn't a pleasant experience for anyone."

"Unless you're a literary genius, teenage poetry rarely is." They shared a laugh.

"Ianto Jones, you're very good to talk to. The others just don't understand sometimes; Ford and Zaphod find me incomprehensible more often than not and I think Trillian was born with her head in the stars. Do you think Jack would mind if I visited?" Arthur looked wistful, and Ianto felt rather sorry for him.

"I'm sure he wouldn't. I'll ask him. We could go and have tea in... in... Cardiff Castle." Ianto was rather pleased with his suggestion, even more so when it produced a smile that lit Arthur's face.

"Afternoon Tea in a real castle? I'd love that."

"Then I'll just have to make sure I ask, won't I. I'd like to see you again, and I'm sure Jack would, especially if he isn't being distracted by 3 armed aliens from planet Zog."

"Betelgeuse."

"Pardon?" Ianto was somewhat bemused by Arthur's interruption and the change in pace of the conversation.

"Betelgeuse. Zaphod is from Betelgeuse, and so is Ford. Though Zog's not a bad place, actually. They have tea."

"Oh." Ianto began to have the urge to hit his head against the wall, just to check he was still awake; not that he'd ever dreamt of anything quite as bizarre as the Heart of Gold and its occupants, but there was always the possibility. Afternoon Tea or not, he desperately wanted to go home and get away from the impossible reality of the situation.

"Sorry," said Arthur, "I keep forgetting that all this is new to you; I suppose you're still having a bit of culture shock."

"Just a bit." Ianto fought down the sudden compulsion to laugh like a maniac in Arthur's face. It wouldn't be professional for a start, and he really didn't want Arthur to think he'd completely lost it.

"Well, there's only one thing for it." Arthur rubbed his hands together for a couple of seconds, as if he was pleased with a decision he'd made.

"What's that?" Ianto asked, watching as Arthur reached out toward the table and picked up the tea-pot.

"More tea, Ianto?"

The scones and the second pot of tea were just a memory, and Ianto had managed to relax into enjoying Arthur's company properly, when the door to the room exploded inwards. Ianto tried not to grin at Arthur's long suffering sigh.

"You always have to make an entrance, don't you? If you're here, I suppose you've come to steal Ianto back."

"Hope you don't mind."

"Wouldn't matter if I did, I can't keep either of you here." Arthur leaned back in his seat with a wave of his hand. "And anyway, what excuse would I have to visit you and go to Cardiff Castle for tea if Ianto stayed?"

"Cardiff Castle? Tea?" Jack's glare was met with an open and guileless smile from Ianto.

"It's the best afternoon tea in Cardiff. I thought Arthur would appreciate it, so I gave him an open invite. That's not a problem is it?" Ianto thought that Jack didn't look best pleased about the idea, and breathed a silent sigh of relief when his expression cleared into a more normal Jack-like expression of amiability.

"No... no, of course not. It would be good to see you again, Arthur; away from...here." Ianto swallowed another grin at Jack's expression and the mis-done up buttons on his shirt. Having 3 arms obviously wasn't always an advantage. Jack turned to grab his coat from the stand by the door.

"How was the Hallelujah chorus, sir?" Ianto asked innocently, Jack looked back at him, then grinned.

"Very... rousing. Now, are you ready to go home, Ianto?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

Arthur accompanied them back to the bridge, chattering about various things, but managing to explain that his own beacon could be programmed with any co-ordinates so he would be able to find his way back to them with no problems. Jack clapped him on the shoulder.

"I'll let Ianto sort that one out with you before you come back here, I don't think you want to be popping in out of nowhere into the middle of The Hub; someone might get the wrong idea." Arthur visibly blanched; he'd had a few of those experiences already in his life and was not in a hurry to gain any more. Jack might only be teasing, but he did have a point. They reached the bridge with no interruptions from doors, Marvin or anything else to find that it was empty except for Trillian. She smiled brightly at them.

"I can put you down in almost exactly the same place as we picked you up; I think we can assume that no-one else has touched the beacon since you arrived as we've not had any other visitors. There will be a time lapse as you've been with us for just over a shipboard hour, but I'm not sure how that will translate into your time. You'll be back the same day at least, that I can guarantee. Arthur will be picked up as soon as he signals he's ready."

"Thanks Trillian, you're as efficient as ever."

"And you're just as incorrigible, Jack." He smiled and tipped her a wink.

"I try my best."

"Hmph. Now if you'd all just stand over there..." She indicated an unremarkable section of floor. The three men shuffled over to the spot. She glanced at them appraisingly, and then nodded. "Just one thing before you leave... would it be possible to destroy the files Torchwood hold on me?" Jack glanced at Ianto, Ianto shrugged.

"They probably already have been as they were part of the Torchwood One archive. If I do find them, I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you. And now, if you wouldn't mind..." They shifted a little closer together, only to find themselves surrounded by a frenetic whirl of sparkles that suddenly seemed to implode on them, leaving their vision clouded by the sudden loss of brightness.

As their vision cleared Ianto realised they were exactly where they'd left, just as Trillian promised. He stepped carefully away from the table that contained the innocuous looking artefact that had sent them to the Heart of Gold. Arthur stepped closer.

"Yes, that's definitely our missing beacon." He reached out and flicked a near-invisible switch on the side before stowing it in his satchel, then he looked around himself. "It's not very impressive in here."

"That's because you're in the basement." Jack said with a grin. "This is the archives and Ianto's domain. If it looked impressive he'd never get any peace, would you Ianto?"

"None at all. This way, I also manage to exert a degree of control over how unknown artefacts are catalogued and documented. Even so, it obviously doesn't always go quite according to plan."

"Obviously," replied Arthur dryly. "So, can I have a guided tour?"

"Let me check where the others are first, don't want any awkward questions, do we?" Jack moved over to the computer terminal and tapped away at the keyboard for a few minutes. "They've all gone home except Tosh, and she's just leaving so I guess you can have your guided tour after all. I'll leave you in Ianto's capable hands, I have work I should have been doing for the last hour, unfortunately. It's been good to see you again Arthur, don't leave it too long before you come back to visit." Jack gave Arthur a parting hug and strode out of the room, footsteps echoing weirdly along the corridor.

"I can't give you a proper cup of tea, Arthur, but I do have the wherewithal for a damn fine cup of coffee if you're interested?"

"I think I can live with damn fine coffee; lead on, Ianto."

Ianto enjoyed showing Arthur around the Hub, he seemed to be genuinely fascinated by what he was shown, despite him having become used to travelling the stars in an impossible ship. He also loved Myfanwy at first sight.

"I suppose a time-displaced Pterosaur is kind of old hat compared with 3 armed aliens and impossible space ships," Ianto commented with a smile.

"You're just jealous because she likes me," said Arthur, giving her head a scratch as she butted against his hand.

"You'll have to come back to visit her, now or she'll pine for you."

"I'd love to see her again. She's a lot better looking than some people I've met." Myfanwy preened under the attention. "See, you know I'm talking about you, don't you, my gorgeous girl."

Eventually, Ianto led Arthur up to the Tourist Information centre. He gestured around the small shop with a grin.

"This is the other part of my domain, and the best place for you to drop in if you're coming to visit though I'd suggest you arrive in the office rather than out here. Wouldn't want you scaring the tourists, now, would we?"

"You mean you actually *get* tourists in here?" Arthur looked around himself, gaping incredulously.

"A few. They're usually lost." Ianto grinned "Especially the ones who don't come from this planet. They get special treatment though, and free travel advice." Arthur chuckled.

"I just bet they do." He looked wistfully at the front door, and then at what passed for a watch on his wrist. "I suppose I should be getting back, don't want to keep Trillian hanging around waiting."

"God forbid. You'd never hear the last of it, and she might not let you visit." Ianto was under no illusion as to who really ran the Heart of Gold. "Still, the weather's not been good today so if you did go outside you'd only get wet and Cardiff rain has a way of seeping into everything. Check the weather forecast and come back on a good day. I'll give you a guided tour *outside* then."

"I'll look forward to it; and tea."

"Oh I'm not going to let you forget that!" Ianto stepped around the desk and held the bead curtain aside for Arthur. The back office was bigger than it looked, and there was more than enough room for them both, even with Ianto giving Arthur plenty of space so he didn't get transported back with him onto the Heart of Gold by mistake. It was a fascinating ship with even more fascinating people, but Ianto felt the need to stick with the familiar weirdness of Torchwood for a little while; he was convinced he was going to be dreaming about 3 armed androids singing the hallelujah chorus as it was. He watched Arthur dig around in his satchel for a moment, then moved over to the desk, scribbling a number on a piece of paper; he put it in Arthur's hand and took a step back.

"What's this?" Asked Arthur, staring at the paper in his hand.

"My mobile number in case you want to get in touch in a more conventional way. You never know, it might come in handy."

"It might at that. Stranger things..." Ianto watched as Arthur secreted the paper away somewhere on his person before he pulled out the improbability beacon from his satchel. He pressed on a few hitherto unnoticed buttons and grinned. "That's it; this place is now in my address book. I can drop in any time."

"Great. And I meant what I said about checking the weather."

"I will, don't worry. I remember what English weather was like." He reached out to shake Ianto's hand. "It's been so good to chat to someone who appreciates the finer points of an afternoon tea. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed it."

"Just wait until you go to the castle with me, you won't know what's hit you."

"I can hardly wait. Goodbye Ianto." They stepped away from each other as Arthur pressed another button on the beacon.

"'Bye Arthur. See you soon?"

"Definitely." Arthur disappeared with a slight woosh of air and an explosion of purple sparkles, leaving Ianto alone once more in his office. He smiled to himself as he made his way back out to the tourist office, he was looking forward to meeting Arthur Dent again and getting to know him a little better. No doubt they'd find their afternoon tea interrupted by a weevil picnic or some other such piece of Cardiff strangeness, but at least it would be easier to deal with than an improbable space ship, a three armed alien and singing doors. Torchwood had never seemed so normal.


End file.
